Intentional Guy

Tonight I decided to start journaling again after taking a time away from the computer. My time away did seem to make a difference for me removing myself from what I struggle most with. However, during this time I was able to devise a strategy to allow me to use my computer but in a safe way. So after installing some filters and an accountability program I think I am set to start back on my blog. I want to start my blog with an encounter I had this week that gave me a God moment. During my time away from journaling I did a lot of thinking about the people God has placed in my life and how accepting they have been to me, even after knowing my deep dark secrets that cause me such shame they still accept me. I realized though that these people didn’t know me from before so all they have ever known is my brokenness. I decided to take a risk and send a letter to a friend who I have known almost my whole life who during my fall reached out to me but I could not believe him when he said...

Today I found some strength from the minister at church who has been delivered from pornogrphy. Pastor is out of town and we had a special speaker ally laid it out about getting real with God. I am praying hard for God to move in my life and to deliver me from myself.

I have had a lot of up and downs the last few weeks but I am starting to realize what God is trying to do in me. God has had to take me to nothing to rebuild my life in Him and for me to trust Him. I only thought I knew who God was but when I am honest with myself I have to admit that I have no clue who God is and how He views me. I have such a hard time trying to conceiving the idea of how much He loves me. However, God’s love for me is undeniable when I see how far He has brought me in such a short period of time. I have so much to learn about His love, knowing He loves me is in my head but my life has not experienced love without rejection, hurt or something being demanded in return so why wouldn’t I think He will reject me after all that I have done. Yes, I know he is God and not the others in my life that used me and hurt me but I still am afraid He will reject me (even though I know that in God’s word He states He won’t). Does that make any since? I had finished writing out my fi...

Here is an old song I use to sing that is giving me a lot of comfort right now, I really love the words! Verse 1: My life I give to you oh Lord Use me I pray. May I glorify your precious name In all I do and say May I trust you in the valley dark As well as in the light Knowing you will always lead me Your word is always right Chorus: For I know God makes no mistakes He leads in every step I take Along the trail that leads me close to home And though at times my heart may break There’s a purpose in every change He makes That others may see my life and know That God makes no mistakes. Verse 2: And when some day in heaven above I see His dear face May I then be counted faithful As a runner in this race Now I’m trusting in my Savior As He shows me the way In His righteousness He guides me His will I’ll obey

I have really enjoyed the messages this month at church; we are doing a series over the life of David. It has been GREAT insight for me and where I am at right now in my journey. I have so much that I need to learn about who God really is and how he forgives and loves. A thought I had today when my pastor picked me up for church was; if this man can love me as he has shown through these ups and downs that I am having (so frequently) and give me such compassion and hope, how much then does God look at me and really care? I must confess that I can not conceive that right now but I do know He wants for me to know this and to feel good about who I am and can be through all of this turmoil. I don’t understand what it is like to be loved for who I am and not what I offer, I want to know Gods love. Pastor has talked a lot in his sermons how to restore a brother who has fallen which I knew in my head how to do and have in the past done for others but I never knew what was really needed of...

Just a stupid thought today. In this overwhelming time I am beginning to see why God has allowed the things that have happened to me to be. Being where I am allows no other option but to be still and watch for God to work, even if I wanted to run away I have no means to do so and no place to go, I am where I can only be. Each day I find a little more comfort in being humbled by God and my destructive past. My main fears are still the evil thoughts that have been imbedded to my memory that I alone put there but can not alone remove; I pray they will not again over take me. Yet, my prayers seem to be voided out because of the things that penetrate my thoughts, I long so much to draw close to God and find His strength yet I defeat myself from doing so. How is it that this former minister who know Gods word and has helped others from this disaster is unable to help himself and feel Gods power in my life. I hang on to my Pastors words trusting that he is right when he say there is growth in...

I feel like I have taken steps backwards tonight not because I have fallen but because of the set back with my truck. My Pastor called and said that the mechanic called him and stated it would cost over $1,000.00 to fix my truck maybe even more once they get involved more. I need to let you know that my truck is an old rusted out 1984 ford Ranger I bought for $500.00. The electrical wiring on the truck needs to be redone. I do not know what I am going to do. I told God yesterday I would trust Him through this incredible valley never knowing how big a task this would be for me to do. The solution to this problem is beyond my comprehension and I do not want to be a drain on my Pastor who I met tonight to discuss what my next step is which is still a mystery to both of us other than to give it over to God. All I could do while I was with him was CRY and I hate to cry I feel like a looser when I cry. You see this is more than a broken truck to me it is a loss of the only independence I ha...

The last few weeks my Pastor has been preaching on the life of David, I never realized how screwed up (and like me) David was. Yet he was a man after Gods own heart only seeking through his own restoration to find a closeness with God. Pastor brought out how David knew if he was to find restoration he would only need to do one thing and that would be to trust God. I went to the alter today and told God I want true restoration and to fully trust him through all these things I have no power or control over and know that He will provide for me and take care of me. Well, after the service was done I went out to my truck to go home and it would not start, another man in the church tried to help me jump-start my truck but nothing. After a short period of checking out the engine and looking like I knew what I was doing (which I didn't) I thought I would try one more time to restart it and next thing I knew my truck catches on FIRE! Now I could really be discouraged and let this defeat me ...

Loneliness is such a strong destructive feeling. I hate that all the wonderful Godly things I had accomplished in my life are now over shadowed by these things that brought nothing but destruction to me. I know I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but the truth is I am not. I just want to have some self worth again in my life. There was not a day go by that I didn’t help someone through a struggle in their life whether great or small and now I send people to jail and my life is full of negativity. You tell me I have worth and I know God says I have worth but knowing it and feeling it are two separate things.

The ups and downs are so overwhelming these days. I want to be a whole person again, one who doesn’t have to always hang my head in shame. I take one step forward but then shoved back three steps. I HURT BEYOND BELIEF!

I felt PATHETIC tonight. I have made it a few weeks sober and it has not been as easy as I would like to think it has, although I am excited over this is improvement. The Post Office is still the hardest thing for me to do on my own in fact I am unable too. My Pastor meets with me every week to go get my mail and every week I get something that is overwhelming to me, for me mail is nothing but receiving more bad news. EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE IN MY LAST POSTING! I looked “Pathetic” up in the dictionary and it read “man who is unable to pick mail up on his own without his Pastors help”. I guess my life being unmanageable means ever aspect of it, including picking up mail. I am going to make it, I am determined too! I re-read my first step tonight and cried as I read, realizing I truly want nothing of that old person in my life again. I guess part of me wants to be self destructive at times because it would be easier than facing the tremendous battle I still have before me to re-establish my...

I am so grateful for the many victories I have been able to experience in my life these past few months with God’s help! Only with Him have I been able to experience such grace in my life by the people he has placed with me. Yet through these victories are still many struggles that seem to paralyze me and keep me bound. Let me give you an example; I have a post office box that I am terrified to go open myself because I am afraid of what will be in there waiting for me. I owe so many people more money than I can pay at this time, I am afraid my lawyer is going to drop me because of my bill and I am afraid of the unknown. So these fears are keeping me paralyzed from moving forward and procrastinating at opening mail that I need to face in order to live each day. A friend who has her own struggles in life sent me this the other day in an e-mail and it really helped; "God wants us always to be in a position of trusting Him. Worry is the work of our flesh and is unscriptural. Wo...

Today as I was driving an overwhelming calmness came over me which really scares me because every time I feel like this something terrible seems to follow. Yet, I don’t want to be superstitious but rather a person of true faith knowing that God wants me to feel His peace in my life. I have held on so tight to the guilt of pushing God away last year when I was living wrong and purposely turning my back on Him when He was trying to convict me. Here I am today and WOW, God will not leave me alone, He is purposely walking with me and blessing me EVERY DAY! I guess what I am trying to communicate is that today I choose to allow Gods peace to flow in me and if tomorrow there are turmoil’s I will glory in the victory He will give me through them. However, I cherish your prayers as this is a daily battle.

Well, things went wonderful over this weekend! I would consider it one of the most eye opening and productive thing I have done in a long time. It was about working through the first nine steps of the SA twelve steps program (basically the same as the AA twelve steps program). The first step is “We admitted that we were powerless over lust – that our lives had become unmanageable.” So I had to write my story out which I thought I had done before but I was wrong, I had left out way to much of my story that needed to be put down into words. I was amazed at what poured out as I wrote my thoughts down. I HAVE A LOT OF JUNK! I found myself isolated in a private-room writing and crying, writing and crying, writing and crying, I think you get the point. I think this was the hardest step of them all, facing the things I had done. The rest of the steps were also very emotional too. Step two; ”Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. Sanity that is somethi...

Please keep me in your prayers as I will be going through an extensive step program through SA all weekend. I am hoping God will use this time to prepare me for the next step in my life. I will post how tings went, but would cherish your prayers until then.

This is a writing from someone I went to High School with who is confined to a wheel chair now and has to use a chip on his brain to controll the mouse of his computer. I need his attitude! Sometimes the world appears to be spinning out of control. Sometimes there seems to be no end to the distressing news. Sometimes it feels like troubles are being piled on top of troubles. Sometimes it can look as if there could never be a way forward. And yet, that way forward is always as close as your next thought. For no matter how difficult and discouraging life may have become, with each dawning moment, a new world of positive possibilities opens up to you. From the darkest depths of despair, hope does indeed grow and take flight. Out of difficult situations, new strategies emerge for creating real value and spreading life's goodness. Remember that the future does not have to be an extension of the past. For you can act right now to create that future out of the abundance of positive possib...

OK, before I type this I have to tell you that this is all true, this really happened to me last night. Let me know if you think God was trying to get my attention? Last night on the way back from my SA meeting I had thoughts going on in my head, you know the ones that you don’t want to entertain but seem to be there regardless. In my INSANE mind I also thought for a second maybe, just maybe, one more encounter, after all it has been a rough week and I am so down with all my financial problems and stress from other things. You have to love those INSANE THOUGHTS! At that moment (and I kid you not) a transformer I was passing exploded, I mean EXPLODED , sparks were flying like the 4th of July! The transformer hit the side of my vehicle then the electric line smacked my windshield shooting a bolt of lightning in the air (I thought I was dead)! All I could think to do was to floor the gas peddle and pray the song that Carrie Underwood sings “Jesus take the wheel”. I made it through and wa...

With every mountain top there is a valley that follows. I hate the roller coaster ride that recovery seems to always take, many ups and downs. I am not struggling though with sexual addictions today or porn (thank God). However, depression is really knocking me down a lot. I am financially broke because I can’t say no to the people I care about and then my responsibilities suffer. I don’t know exactly what I am going to do about this but I know I can not continue this path, especially in my financial areas. I want and long for independence and I am now more than ever determined to obtain it. I also do not want the blessings I am receiving to be destroyed over this, so I will focus on God more this week and ask him to provide for what I am missing in my life and to make me stronger with the things he has given me, in all areas not just my financial needs. Tonight is our Monday night SA meeting which I am always excited about. We have a new person coming in which is always a good session...

I hope I do not sound like a broken record but I have to say it was another great Sunday service. While it is fresh on my mind I want to write my thoughts from what I felt God was saying to me. Before the service started I already had depressing thoughts to myself thinking, “How can I move forward from these anxious feelings that I have been experiencing?” In my insane thinking I felt as though maybe the panic attacks that I have experienced were my own fault, because I don’t have enough faith, truth is I have a lot of fears. I have so many BIG things facing me these days, a lot of overwhelming GIANTS that I have no clue to how I will conquer them. The passage today was from 1 Samuel 17 when the Philistine army sent Goliath out: A good point I never really thought about before today was that when David faced the giant, he knew this man had all the abilities to kill him, he had no clue that what he was about to do would be one of the strongest story ever told through out the century “Da...

Yesterday I had two panic attacks and felt at one point like I was having a heart attack. My hands and toes were tingly and numb; I was finding it hard to drive home. I called a friend hoping he could just talk me through as I drove. This friend did one better; he met me for desert so we could unwind, then God allowed a wonderful thing to happen, we talked (that’s it, we just talked) what a wonderful thing to do openly, my shame and guilt fade when I am with this friend. This man is more than a friend, he brings me to God on a daily bases when I feel like the world is against me he shows me God’s grace, when I feel like my day is such a failure he shows me my victories. Thank God for friends! God is so faithful to me even when I am not, He loves me when I feel unlovable, He brings me new friends when all else have left me. God I do not deserve the things you have done for me but I love you for loving me. Please never let me forget where you have brought me from or where I could have be...

At our church tonight the men and women met for a separate Bible Study. The men’s study ironically was about purity and accountability. I was moved as they shared briefly and vaguely about pornography on the internet and how it is starting to really affect the church. I felt God just open my mouth and I shared with the men just a small part of how pornography destroyed my life and how I lost everything. After I shared with them my story I started to panic for a moment (WHAT HAD I DONE!) but then through my willingness to be open others were led to share and led to show great compassion. I am learning that part of my recovery is to allow God to use my brokenness to share with others. During the meeting one man shared how he was addicted to pornography since he was 11 years old then another man pulled out of his bag a copy of “Every mans Battle” as another said that book changed my life. We all got a good look tonight that pornography is not just now starting to affect the church; ...

The definition for crying is the process of shedding tears (usually accompanied by sobs or other inarticulate sounds); Let me say that I did it all tonight! I SOBED and had plenty of INARTICULATE SOUNDS coming from my person. Needless to say it was a very rough night for me. It is my daughters 7th birthday today and I tried so hard to arrange a time to call and talk with her on the phone and to tell her happy birthday, however, my wife had different plans. I can’t say that I blame her though because I hurt her deeply this past year. So when I called tonight God gave me the words and calmness to not react but to listen and to be as honest as I could with her. With nervousness in my voice I was able to get the words out to tell my wife that I was sorry for her pain and that I acknowledge that she has every right to be as angry as she is with me and or any other feelings she is experiencing towards me. I don’t know exactly what words I said to her as I was shaking, I just prayed the whole...

I went to a four hour SA meeting for people who are new to the program that was called “Surrender”. It asked you specific questions to see if you were willing to give up your right to lust and to surrender fully to God. You would think this would be an easy thing to do and to say yes to but when you are seeking so hard to be real and honest with yourself and your addiction you have to search deep within yourself for the truth before answering. God is opening up such a new world for me that I am now realizing I am needing to totally give up who I was in the past even before the sexual addiction and porn grabbed a hold of me. I don’t want any part of that old person that I was, instead I want to truly be who God wants me to be. I thought I knew what that was back then but I didn’t have a clue only now am I learning to totally surrender to Him in every aspect of my life. I had to lose literally everything in my life for Christ to rebuild me like he is now, from scratch. My recovery i...

What a GREAT church service this morning! Just when you think God can‘t top the week before He hits another home run! The song service was exceptional, every song was a testament to my life, at one point I had to excuse myself to the restroom because I did not want others to see me cry publicly. When Pastor spoke I hung to every word he said because I could yet another week feel God sitting next to me telling me “listen to what I have to show you this morning.” I am learning to let go of this pain and to trust other with this. It is so foreign to me, I have been afraid that if I start crying I will not be able to stop. One illustration Pastor used this morning is something I have felt all my life and that is that I am a disposable person, someone who has been thrown away. Yet, people God has recently brought into my life have sifted through the garbage and have pulled me in, for the first time I feel of value. Well, during the invitation God told me to go pray but led me to not p...

I have a wide array of emotions flying today that has me feeling mighty low. It has been two weeks now of me being off of my medication and it is really starting to affect me but I knew it would, so, I just got to hang in there. My focus goes from one of being positive and happy to seeing something negative on TV that briefly reminding me of something that sends me into a tail spend. There is no rhyme or reason to my depression tonight other than I miss my daughter greatly and a lot of regret for my past that has caused this loss in my life. Nothing was worth losing her but it is too late to change what is.

Tuesday is my daughters seventh birthday but the first one I will not be apart of since she was born and it is breaking my heart. My friend and I went out today to get her birthday present together because I was unable to go do it by myself. The tears flowed as I searched for the right card especially since there was no card that could tell my daughter how much I miss her and how much I wish I could be there for her. This stress brought such week moments to me as I went through out my day and gave me such fears of acting out. My thoughts would drift from depression towards missing my daughter to thoughts of how I could seek comfort through acts of sexual inappropriateness. You see it has been two weeks now that I had to go off my medication for depression because of the cost and although I feel I am doing well I am having a hard time dealing with these up and down emotions I am having. I am slowly learning to look to God and not to focus on the things of this moment for I know God has ...

Tonight my friend who is also my Pastor (but I prefer to call him friend) picked me up from work and asked me to run an errand with him. I got in the car with him and he explained to me about a lady God laid on his heart today and he felt led to call her. In talking to her she was down which he said is not her personality, he then asked her why did God want me to call you? She confessed that she was without money. When we got there she confessed even more that this morning she ate her last two pieces of bread and had no ideal what to do or where to turn so she said “God I give this to you.” Wow! What a blessing to be able to help another in their time of need. God was so willing to use my friend to help her but she too had to surrender her pride to God, my friend then had to surrender his will to be used of God. This woman is no different than me, we both have needs, her is financial and hunger for nourishment and my need is restoration from a sexual addiction and hunger to be surrende...

How wonderful is God that He will take a broken porn addicted backslidden Christian like me and would love me in spite of myself. Last week I told of how at the weekly Bible Study I attend that I felt like if these people really knew who I was they would not accept me, rejection is my biggest fear. Well, I shared that tonight with them at the Bible study and about my hurts that I was going through. I told them how God used Sundays message to reveal even more of Himself to me and how I needed them in my life to lean on but how scared I was of their rejection. I cried my eyes out as I poured my heart to them, I was scared but I knew God was leading me to share. As I looked up, each one had tears in their eyes and I could sense they wanted to help me with these burdens. As I finished sharing my heart with them they immediately gathered around me and placed hands upon me prayed to God. I was overwhelmed with such acceptance and grace. I can’t believe how much God has moved in my life...

“Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 . I have so many fears and struggles right now that I forget sometimes about all the good God is doing in my life. He has blessed me with great people who daily show me Gods love and grace despite my weaknesses. Fear is only keeping me bound to the things I most want victory over. God has said so clearly in His word that I am His... "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1. What a wonderful truth, I think I will hold to this thought for a while.

I am growing with each new day even through the midst of heartache and despair. I am learning to surrende r one day at a time to God so that I may glorify him; this is a new way of life for me that will take some time to fully learn but Iam surrendered to doing. Tonight I went to my SA meeting and shared with the guys about the sermon on Sunday and as I told them the story you could see the new guy across from me tearing up. On his face you could see him longing for what I had just experienced. Wow, it was not to long ago that I was sitting in his chair; my heart goes out to him! There were many triggers though for me as I went through out my day but the great thing about this is that I was able to see at the end of the day that God was there for me and I did not face these things alone. I am now beginning to understand the passage in 1 Corinthians 10:13 in the NIV tells us, “ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted...

I went to church this morning and it started off exceptionally well, the music was probably the best it has been in months and the presentation of it was refreshing. Yet, as I read through the bulletin my heart sunk, I saw that we had a guest speaker and I was disappointed as I like so much to hear my Pastor speak. Something came upon me though; the instant the speaker approached the pulpit. I felt an inner peace that told me today you are not alone, listen closely, I have brought you here for a reason. That alone was powerful, the tears were right there at the edge ready to pour out. As this man spoke my heart began to wrestle with conviction, emotions, fears, rejections, acceptance, you name it and all came to a head. As the speaker spoke I realized all at one moment, I was in the presence of God! This man look my direction and with such conviction said we have people here today fighting pornography and sexual addictions . He told the people that today this sin is running ram...

My prayer tonight is that God will lead me just one more day as He did today. Around each turn He was faithful to be there, waiting and watching to give me what I need. In my weakness He strengthened me in my sorrow he comforted me and in my addiction He will deliver me. One step, one day, one God.

I just wanted to make a quick entry tonight to let everyone who has been praying for me and encouraging me to know that your prayers are being heard. Tonight I chatted with a new friend who has gone through some of the same struggles as I, what a blessing he was to me. Today God reached down from heaven and gave me a kiss and whispered I am with you. That is how I feel! You all have given me a wonderful gift in the midst of my struggle, thank you!

It is amazing how God is starting to reveal Himself to me. Recently I have found encouragement from some of the most unlikely places. The internet use to be a place where my addiction was fed and now is being used asa tool to fight my addiction. I recently came across a website at http://www.higher-calling.com/index.php and it has been a true blessing. There I have met other people who are struggling with some of the same things I am and understand my battles. Tonight I found myself with a temptation and I was unable to get in contact with my supports that have in placed here, so I went to this website and posted what I was going through. In just a short period of time I had someone praying for me and giving me supports. Wow! Just yesterday I struggled with what I feared others thought of me and tonight I had strangers reaching out to me, isn’t God wonderful? The best part about this is that I can claim it as a victory for me. Dear God, thank you for the people you have placed...

God is showing me through a few people He has placed in my life that possibly I can have a relationship with others who can accept me as I am. This is so foreign to me, I lost so many people in my life that I fear sharing things at my SA meetings and church functions, afraid of how they will respond to me. I went to a bible study tonight and as the people sat in a circle sharing the things from their life that God was doing, I could only think to myself how if these people knew who I was sitting among them, that they would be disgusted by me. I know these are good people and in my sane mind I know this is most likely untrue but in the reality that I have lived it is all I have known, rejection. I want to get past this feeling and to not be stifled by things that may or may not be true. I want to know how God sees me, yet, the truth is I have no clue. Even though I was a minist er and grew up in a minister’s home, my mind can not comprehend at this moment Gods love for me. I just want t...

I don’t have the words to say what I have experienced tonight. I can say God is good, even in the midst of my struggles. I spent this evening with a man that God brought into my life to show me how to live again. As of late, I see my identity as a man who has fallen in sin and has let those he loved down in a way that they did not deserve. Tonight I saw a glimmer of how God sees me. Thank you God for loving me enough to send someone into my life to show me that I am worth loving and thank you to this man who is taking such a risk in believing in me.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time, I guess God knew how my day was going to go and thought I would need a good night rest. I went to see one of my therapists today, this therapist and I deal with the very physical aspect of my sexual addiction. It’s always hard to open up about that area of my life, it drudges up a lot of negative feelings even if the discuss is positive in context. I guess it is the shame and guilt I feel pouring out of me when I share things in that regards. After we talked he came up with a good observation that I have a lot more times on my hands than I use to and that maybe filling that void with something would help me with some of my struggles (like fishing or bowling); I agree with that statement but I also have a conflict with it too. I don’t deserve to do something enjoyable, especially if I could use that time to work and make more money for child support. Mmmmm, The flaw to that analogy is that I mentally can not tak...

Dear God, I come to you broken and ashamed asking for your forgiveness one more time. Please fill me with your Holy Spirit that I may know the peace that only you can give. I know you have so much to give to me and yet I stand in your way. Lead me and direct me lord, that I may know your will for me. I cry out to you with only moans as I do not know what words to say to you just hoping you will translate them to what you would have me be. I find nothing spiritual in my life except for those you have brought to me in my time of need. Help me God to learn from them to trust in them to grow with them. Mold my broken spirit Lord to one that will walk with you and serve you till the end. Oh God, my heart is not pure but I want it to be, so please Lord fill my heart with your presence and make your desires mine. I ask you now for victory over my sins and deliverance from my addictions. I trust you God to make me a reflection of your light.

Tonight I listened to a song for the first time by Casting Crown called”Praise You in This Storm”. It spoke so much to my heart and with how I feel. I love when God brings something as simple as a song to touch a broken spirit. I see hope these days, although not clearly but I will even take a foggy hope as long as it is hope. I know that my God will never leave me or forsake me. I fear myself more these days as my weakness is sometimes more prevalent than my desire to follow God. But it is my desire to follow God that I want to be real in my life, now, just to be able to plan a strategy to do so. The Lyrics ”Praise You in This Storm” are at http://www.recoverysa.org/praise_you_in_this_storm.htm I hope you find comfort in it like I do.

This has been some what of a rough week for me. Some of the supports that I have established in my life are on vacation. So, I started off the week trying to be positive and on a spiritual high but I soon quickly dropped into a downward spiral. But God is good and provided for me at each difficult situation I faced. However, I am proud of myself because I made it without any slipups, addiction wise. Although tempted at different times by things that really seem to get to me; I was able to make it through, maybe not so eloquently but I made it and that is what counts! I have learned this week that everyone God has brought into my life right now are very precious and important to who I am to become. God has perfectly placed me where I am right now in spite of myself and has given me great supports that I need to learn to lean on and trust more. I must put pride aside to move forward but most of all I need to stop sabotaging myself. I sabotage myself by not calling these people wh...

Today my mind has been going in fast motion with a lot of thoughts. One thought I keep thinking back to is something that happened this past week in my SA group. I can’t tell the whole story because I don’t want to break the trust of someone from the group. However, their story really got to me. As he told of a resent event that took placed with him, I found myself with very mixed emotions. I was very disgusted at what he did; I am not judging him as I know my own story would disgust others as well. Yet I sat mesmerized at his story thinking wow, I can’t believe he is sharing this stuff but at the same time I am glad he did because that must have been incredibly hard to do as well as to hold in. I looked at him and thought “Thank you God for saving me from all of that”, I guess for the first time I realized how bad things really could have gone for me had I not stopped the things I was involved with. I felt bad sitting there thinking this of myself because I want to be compassio...

This morning I got an email from a friend who was struggling with some issues. My heart went out to her as I could almost feel her pain. As I wrote her a reply and was trying to comfort her i found myself listening to my own words. God works in mysterious was! I was speaking more to myself than I was to her. I have a desire to serve and grow back in my relationship with Christ and I have always felt defeated. But I know that the best way to forget my pain is to feel someone elses and that may be why God has brought our friendship back together afer 20 years. I battle with depression and regrets but I know God is not done with me. I need to also trust the people God has put in my life to help me. So today, realizing this, what a great day!

Last night and today I struggled not with pornography but with the results of what pornography did to me. Depression is so great in my life right now along with shame and guilt. I am working hard through my sponsor, counselors, and Pastor to move forward from this state I am in. It is so hard for me to rely on others for help. I have always been the person people went to for help not the one needing the help. I have to come to the realization that I can not stand on my own right now. I need these people and am grateful for them, without them I would have surely taken my own life. My head knows that God loves me and has forgiven me; I also know that He wants for me to reach out to Him for comfort and I am honestly trying too. I never thought I would not know how to reach out to God. I was a minister who taught others how to find God and seek comfort from Him. Comfort; that’s a word I would so much like to experience tonight. I feel all alone! I long so much to be loved and forgiven. I t...

I am new to blogging but I thought that maybe writing my thoughts would help me get through where I am. I lost everything this year, my wife, my house, my car, my friends etc... I am now living in my parents house at the age of 40 trying to pull the peaces back together. I am attending SA Sexaholics Anonymous and have recently gotten a sponsor. I have a new job that is making half of what I did last year and no way to pay all the bills that I owe nor the ability to pay the court issued child support they are asking for from when I had the better paying job. So, yes, Life sucks for me right now. Although these terrible things have happened I have to also be thankfully for the good things. I do have a place to stay, I have a great counselor who is open and honest about my addiction, a pastor who has become my friend and is showing me a whole new God, two great friends from high school who encourage me every day and a Sponsor who know where I have been and has first hand knowledge at help...