Intentional Guy

I feel like I have taken steps backwards tonight not because I have fallen but because of the set back with my truck. My Pastor called and said that the mechanic called him and stated it would cost over $1,000.00 to fix my truck maybe even more once they get involved more. I need to let you know that my truck is an old rusted out 1984 ford Ranger I bought for $500.00. The electrical wiring on the truck needs to be redone. I do not know what I am going to do. I told God yesterday I would trust Him through this incredible valley never knowing how big a task this would be for me to do. The solution to this problem is beyond my comprehension and I do not want to be a drain on my Pastor who I met tonight to discuss what my next step is which is still a mystery to both of us other than to give it over to God. All I could do while I was with him was CRY and I hate to cry I feel like a looser when I cry. You see this is more than a broken truck to me it is a loss of the only independence I ha...

The last few weeks my Pastor has been preaching on the life of David, I never realized how screwed up (and like me) David was. Yet he was a man after Gods own heart only seeking through his own restoration to find a closeness with God. Pastor brought out how David knew if he was to find restoration he would only need to do one thing and that would be to trust God. I went to the alter today and told God I want true restoration and to fully trust him through all these things I have no power or control over and know that He will provide for me and take care of me. Well, after the service was done I went out to my truck to go home and it would not start, another man in the church tried to help me jump-start my truck but nothing. After a short period of checking out the engine and looking like I knew what I was doing (which I didn't) I thought I would try one more time to restart it and next thing I knew my truck catches on FIRE! Now I could really be discouraged and let this defeat me ...

Loneliness is such a strong destructive feeling. I hate that all the wonderful Godly things I had accomplished in my life are now over shadowed by these things that brought nothing but destruction to me. I know I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but the truth is I am not. I just want to have some self worth again in my life. There was not a day go by that I didn’t help someone through a struggle in their life whether great or small and now I send people to jail and my life is full of negativity. You tell me I have worth and I know God says I have worth but knowing it and feeling it are two separate things.

The ups and downs are so overwhelming these days. I want to be a whole person again, one who doesn’t have to always hang my head in shame. I take one step forward but then shoved back three steps. I HURT BEYOND BELIEF!

I felt PATHETIC tonight. I have made it a few weeks sober and it has not been as easy as I would like to think it has, although I am excited over this is improvement. The Post Office is still the hardest thing for me to do on my own in fact I am unable too. My Pastor meets with me every week to go get my mail and every week I get something that is overwhelming to me, for me mail is nothing but receiving more bad news. EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE IN MY LAST POSTING! I looked “Pathetic” up in the dictionary and it read “man who is unable to pick mail up on his own without his Pastors help”. I guess my life being unmanageable means ever aspect of it, including picking up mail. I am going to make it, I am determined too! I re-read my first step tonight and cried as I read, realizing I truly want nothing of that old person in my life again. I guess part of me wants to be self destructive at times because it would be easier than facing the tremendous battle I still have before me to re-establish my...

I am so grateful for the many victories I have been able to experience in my life these past few months with God’s help! Only with Him have I been able to experience such grace in my life by the people he has placed with me. Yet through these victories are still many struggles that seem to paralyze me and keep me bound. Let me give you an example; I have a post office box that I am terrified to go open myself because I am afraid of what will be in there waiting for me. I owe so many people more money than I can pay at this time, I am afraid my lawyer is going to drop me because of my bill and I am afraid of the unknown. So these fears are keeping me paralyzed from moving forward and procrastinating at opening mail that I need to face in order to live each day. A friend who has her own struggles in life sent me this the other day in an e-mail and it really helped; "God wants us always to be in a position of trusting Him. Worry is the work of our flesh and is unscriptural. Wo...

Today as I was driving an overwhelming calmness came over me which really scares me because every time I feel like this something terrible seems to follow. Yet, I don’t want to be superstitious but rather a person of true faith knowing that God wants me to feel His peace in my life. I have held on so tight to the guilt of pushing God away last year when I was living wrong and purposely turning my back on Him when He was trying to convict me. Here I am today and WOW, God will not leave me alone, He is purposely walking with me and blessing me EVERY DAY! I guess what I am trying to communicate is that today I choose to allow Gods peace to flow in me and if tomorrow there are turmoil’s I will glory in the victory He will give me through them. However, I cherish your prayers as this is a daily battle.

Well, things went wonderful over this weekend! I would consider it one of the most eye opening and productive thing I have done in a long time. It was about working through the first nine steps of the SA twelve steps program (basically the same as the AA twelve steps program). The first step is “We admitted that we were powerless over lust – that our lives had become unmanageable.” So I had to write my story out which I thought I had done before but I was wrong, I had left out way to much of my story that needed to be put down into words. I was amazed at what poured out as I wrote my thoughts down. I HAVE A LOT OF JUNK! I found myself isolated in a private-room writing and crying, writing and crying, writing and crying, I think you get the point. I think this was the hardest step of them all, facing the things I had done. The rest of the steps were also very emotional too. Step two; ”Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. Sanity that is somethi...

Please keep me in your prayers as I will be going through an extensive step program through SA all weekend. I am hoping God will use this time to prepare me for the next step in my life. I will post how tings went, but would cherish your prayers until then.

This is a writing from someone I went to High School with who is confined to a wheel chair now and has to use a chip on his brain to controll the mouse of his computer. I need his attitude! Sometimes the world appears to be spinning out of control. Sometimes there seems to be no end to the distressing news. Sometimes it feels like troubles are being piled on top of troubles. Sometimes it can look as if there could never be a way forward. And yet, that way forward is always as close as your next thought. For no matter how difficult and discouraging life may have become, with each dawning moment, a new world of positive possibilities opens up to you. From the darkest depths of despair, hope does indeed grow and take flight. Out of difficult situations, new strategies emerge for creating real value and spreading life's goodness. Remember that the future does not have to be an extension of the past. For you can act right now to create that future out of the abundance of positive possib...

OK, before I type this I have to tell you that this is all true, this really happened to me last night. Let me know if you think God was trying to get my attention? Last night on the way back from my SA meeting I had thoughts going on in my head, you know the ones that you don’t want to entertain but seem to be there regardless. In my INSANE mind I also thought for a second maybe, just maybe, one more encounter, after all it has been a rough week and I am so down with all my financial problems and stress from other things. You have to love those INSANE THOUGHTS! At that moment (and I kid you not) a transformer I was passing exploded, I mean EXPLODED , sparks were flying like the 4th of July! The transformer hit the side of my vehicle then the electric line smacked my windshield shooting a bolt of lightning in the air (I thought I was dead)! All I could think to do was to floor the gas peddle and pray the song that Carrie Underwood sings “Jesus take the wheel”. I made it through and wa...

With every mountain top there is a valley that follows. I hate the roller coaster ride that recovery seems to always take, many ups and downs. I am not struggling though with sexual addictions today or porn (thank God). However, depression is really knocking me down a lot. I am financially broke because I can’t say no to the people I care about and then my responsibilities suffer. I don’t know exactly what I am going to do about this but I know I can not continue this path, especially in my financial areas. I want and long for independence and I am now more than ever determined to obtain it. I also do not want the blessings I am receiving to be destroyed over this, so I will focus on God more this week and ask him to provide for what I am missing in my life and to make me stronger with the things he has given me, in all areas not just my financial needs. Tonight is our Monday night SA meeting which I am always excited about. We have a new person coming in which is always a good session...

I hope I do not sound like a broken record but I have to say it was another great Sunday service. While it is fresh on my mind I want to write my thoughts from what I felt God was saying to me. Before the service started I already had depressing thoughts to myself thinking, “How can I move forward from these anxious feelings that I have been experiencing?” In my insane thinking I felt as though maybe the panic attacks that I have experienced were my own fault, because I don’t have enough faith, truth is I have a lot of fears. I have so many BIG things facing me these days, a lot of overwhelming GIANTS that I have no clue to how I will conquer them. The passage today was from 1 Samuel 17 when the Philistine army sent Goliath out: A good point I never really thought about before today was that when David faced the giant, he knew this man had all the abilities to kill him, he had no clue that what he was about to do would be one of the strongest story ever told through out the century “Da...

Yesterday I had two panic attacks and felt at one point like I was having a heart attack. My hands and toes were tingly and numb; I was finding it hard to drive home. I called a friend hoping he could just talk me through as I drove. This friend did one better; he met me for desert so we could unwind, then God allowed a wonderful thing to happen, we talked (that’s it, we just talked) what a wonderful thing to do openly, my shame and guilt fade when I am with this friend. This man is more than a friend, he brings me to God on a daily bases when I feel like the world is against me he shows me God’s grace, when I feel like my day is such a failure he shows me my victories. Thank God for friends! God is so faithful to me even when I am not, He loves me when I feel unlovable, He brings me new friends when all else have left me. God I do not deserve the things you have done for me but I love you for loving me. Please never let me forget where you have brought me from or where I could have be...

At our church tonight the men and women met for a separate Bible Study. The men’s study ironically was about purity and accountability. I was moved as they shared briefly and vaguely about pornography on the internet and how it is starting to really affect the church. I felt God just open my mouth and I shared with the men just a small part of how pornography destroyed my life and how I lost everything. After I shared with them my story I started to panic for a moment (WHAT HAD I DONE!) but then through my willingness to be open others were led to share and led to show great compassion. I am learning that part of my recovery is to allow God to use my brokenness to share with others. During the meeting one man shared how he was addicted to pornography since he was 11 years old then another man pulled out of his bag a copy of “Every mans Battle” as another said that book changed my life. We all got a good look tonight that pornography is not just now starting to affect the church; ...

The definition for crying is the process of shedding tears (usually accompanied by sobs or other inarticulate sounds); Let me say that I did it all tonight! I SOBED and had plenty of INARTICULATE SOUNDS coming from my person. Needless to say it was a very rough night for me. It is my daughters 7th birthday today and I tried so hard to arrange a time to call and talk with her on the phone and to tell her happy birthday, however, my wife had different plans. I can’t say that I blame her though because I hurt her deeply this past year. So when I called tonight God gave me the words and calmness to not react but to listen and to be as honest as I could with her. With nervousness in my voice I was able to get the words out to tell my wife that I was sorry for her pain and that I acknowledge that she has every right to be as angry as she is with me and or any other feelings she is experiencing towards me. I don’t know exactly what words I said to her as I was shaking, I just prayed the whole...