Intentional Guy

I went to a four hour SA meeting for people who are new to the program that was called “Surrender”. It asked you specific questions to see if you were willing to give up your right to lust and to surrender fully to God. You would think this would be an easy thing to do and to say yes to but when you are seeking so hard to be real and honest with yourself and your addiction you have to search deep within yourself for the truth before answering. God is opening up such a new world for me that I am now realizing I am needing to totally give up who I was in the past even before the sexual addiction and porn grabbed a hold of me. I don’t want any part of that old person that I was, instead I want to truly be who God wants me to be. I thought I knew what that was back then but I didn’t have a clue only now am I learning to totally surrender to Him in every aspect of my life. I had to lose literally everything in my life for Christ to rebuild me like he is now, from scratch. My recovery i...

What a GREAT church service this morning! Just when you think God can‘t top the week before He hits another home run! The song service was exceptional, every song was a testament to my life, at one point I had to excuse myself to the restroom because I did not want others to see me cry publicly. When Pastor spoke I hung to every word he said because I could yet another week feel God sitting next to me telling me “listen to what I have to show you this morning.” I am learning to let go of this pain and to trust other with this. It is so foreign to me, I have been afraid that if I start crying I will not be able to stop. One illustration Pastor used this morning is something I have felt all my life and that is that I am a disposable person, someone who has been thrown away. Yet, people God has recently brought into my life have sifted through the garbage and have pulled me in, for the first time I feel of value. Well, during the invitation God told me to go pray but led me to not p...

I have a wide array of emotions flying today that has me feeling mighty low. It has been two weeks now of me being off of my medication and it is really starting to affect me but I knew it would, so, I just got to hang in there. My focus goes from one of being positive and happy to seeing something negative on TV that briefly reminding me of something that sends me into a tail spend. There is no rhyme or reason to my depression tonight other than I miss my daughter greatly and a lot of regret for my past that has caused this loss in my life. Nothing was worth losing her but it is too late to change what is.

Tuesday is my daughters seventh birthday but the first one I will not be apart of since she was born and it is breaking my heart. My friend and I went out today to get her birthday present together because I was unable to go do it by myself. The tears flowed as I searched for the right card especially since there was no card that could tell my daughter how much I miss her and how much I wish I could be there for her. This stress brought such week moments to me as I went through out my day and gave me such fears of acting out. My thoughts would drift from depression towards missing my daughter to thoughts of how I could seek comfort through acts of sexual inappropriateness. You see it has been two weeks now that I had to go off my medication for depression because of the cost and although I feel I am doing well I am having a hard time dealing with these up and down emotions I am having. I am slowly learning to look to God and not to focus on the things of this moment for I know God has ...

Tonight my friend who is also my Pastor (but I prefer to call him friend) picked me up from work and asked me to run an errand with him. I got in the car with him and he explained to me about a lady God laid on his heart today and he felt led to call her. In talking to her she was down which he said is not her personality, he then asked her why did God want me to call you? She confessed that she was without money. When we got there she confessed even more that this morning she ate her last two pieces of bread and had no ideal what to do or where to turn so she said “God I give this to you.” Wow! What a blessing to be able to help another in their time of need. God was so willing to use my friend to help her but she too had to surrender her pride to God, my friend then had to surrender his will to be used of God. This woman is no different than me, we both have needs, her is financial and hunger for nourishment and my need is restoration from a sexual addiction and hunger to be surrende...

How wonderful is God that He will take a broken porn addicted backslidden Christian like me and would love me in spite of myself. Last week I told of how at the weekly Bible Study I attend that I felt like if these people really knew who I was they would not accept me, rejection is my biggest fear. Well, I shared that tonight with them at the Bible study and about my hurts that I was going through. I told them how God used Sundays message to reveal even more of Himself to me and how I needed them in my life to lean on but how scared I was of their rejection. I cried my eyes out as I poured my heart to them, I was scared but I knew God was leading me to share. As I looked up, each one had tears in their eyes and I could sense they wanted to help me with these burdens. As I finished sharing my heart with them they immediately gathered around me and placed hands upon me prayed to God. I was overwhelmed with such acceptance and grace. I can’t believe how much God has moved in my life...

“Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 . I have so many fears and struggles right now that I forget sometimes about all the good God is doing in my life. He has blessed me with great people who daily show me Gods love and grace despite my weaknesses. Fear is only keeping me bound to the things I most want victory over. God has said so clearly in His word that I am His... "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1. What a wonderful truth, I think I will hold to this thought for a while.

I am growing with each new day even through the midst of heartache and despair. I am learning to surrende r one day at a time to God so that I may glorify him; this is a new way of life for me that will take some time to fully learn but Iam surrendered to doing. Tonight I went to my SA meeting and shared with the guys about the sermon on Sunday and as I told them the story you could see the new guy across from me tearing up. On his face you could see him longing for what I had just experienced. Wow, it was not to long ago that I was sitting in his chair; my heart goes out to him! There were many triggers though for me as I went through out my day but the great thing about this is that I was able to see at the end of the day that God was there for me and I did not face these things alone. I am now beginning to understand the passage in 1 Corinthians 10:13 in the NIV tells us, “ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted...

I went to church this morning and it started off exceptionally well, the music was probably the best it has been in months and the presentation of it was refreshing. Yet, as I read through the bulletin my heart sunk, I saw that we had a guest speaker and I was disappointed as I like so much to hear my Pastor speak. Something came upon me though; the instant the speaker approached the pulpit. I felt an inner peace that told me today you are not alone, listen closely, I have brought you here for a reason. That alone was powerful, the tears were right there at the edge ready to pour out. As this man spoke my heart began to wrestle with conviction, emotions, fears, rejections, acceptance, you name it and all came to a head. As the speaker spoke I realized all at one moment, I was in the presence of God! This man look my direction and with such conviction said we have people here today fighting pornography and sexual addictions . He told the people that today this sin is running ram...

My prayer tonight is that God will lead me just one more day as He did today. Around each turn He was faithful to be there, waiting and watching to give me what I need. In my weakness He strengthened me in my sorrow he comforted me and in my addiction He will deliver me. One step, one day, one God.

I just wanted to make a quick entry tonight to let everyone who has been praying for me and encouraging me to know that your prayers are being heard. Tonight I chatted with a new friend who has gone through some of the same struggles as I, what a blessing he was to me. Today God reached down from heaven and gave me a kiss and whispered I am with you. That is how I feel! You all have given me a wonderful gift in the midst of my struggle, thank you!

It is amazing how God is starting to reveal Himself to me. Recently I have found encouragement from some of the most unlikely places. The internet use to be a place where my addiction was fed and now is being used asa tool to fight my addiction. I recently came across a website at http://www.higher-calling.com/index.php and it has been a true blessing. There I have met other people who are struggling with some of the same things I am and understand my battles. Tonight I found myself with a temptation and I was unable to get in contact with my supports that have in placed here, so I went to this website and posted what I was going through. In just a short period of time I had someone praying for me and giving me supports. Wow! Just yesterday I struggled with what I feared others thought of me and tonight I had strangers reaching out to me, isn’t God wonderful? The best part about this is that I can claim it as a victory for me. Dear God, thank you for the people you have placed...

God is showing me through a few people He has placed in my life that possibly I can have a relationship with others who can accept me as I am. This is so foreign to me, I lost so many people in my life that I fear sharing things at my SA meetings and church functions, afraid of how they will respond to me. I went to a bible study tonight and as the people sat in a circle sharing the things from their life that God was doing, I could only think to myself how if these people knew who I was sitting among them, that they would be disgusted by me. I know these are good people and in my sane mind I know this is most likely untrue but in the reality that I have lived it is all I have known, rejection. I want to get past this feeling and to not be stifled by things that may or may not be true. I want to know how God sees me, yet, the truth is I have no clue. Even though I was a minist er and grew up in a minister’s home, my mind can not comprehend at this moment Gods love for me. I just want t...

I don’t have the words to say what I have experienced tonight. I can say God is good, even in the midst of my struggles. I spent this evening with a man that God brought into my life to show me how to live again. As of late, I see my identity as a man who has fallen in sin and has let those he loved down in a way that they did not deserve. Tonight I saw a glimmer of how God sees me. Thank you God for loving me enough to send someone into my life to show me that I am worth loving and thank you to this man who is taking such a risk in believing in me.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time, I guess God knew how my day was going to go and thought I would need a good night rest. I went to see one of my therapists today, this therapist and I deal with the very physical aspect of my sexual addiction. It’s always hard to open up about that area of my life, it drudges up a lot of negative feelings even if the discuss is positive in context. I guess it is the shame and guilt I feel pouring out of me when I share things in that regards. After we talked he came up with a good observation that I have a lot more times on my hands than I use to and that maybe filling that void with something would help me with some of my struggles (like fishing or bowling); I agree with that statement but I also have a conflict with it too. I don’t deserve to do something enjoyable, especially if I could use that time to work and make more money for child support. Mmmmm, The flaw to that analogy is that I mentally can not tak...

Dear God, I come to you broken and ashamed asking for your forgiveness one more time. Please fill me with your Holy Spirit that I may know the peace that only you can give. I know you have so much to give to me and yet I stand in your way. Lead me and direct me lord, that I may know your will for me. I cry out to you with only moans as I do not know what words to say to you just hoping you will translate them to what you would have me be. I find nothing spiritual in my life except for those you have brought to me in my time of need. Help me God to learn from them to trust in them to grow with them. Mold my broken spirit Lord to one that will walk with you and serve you till the end. Oh God, my heart is not pure but I want it to be, so please Lord fill my heart with your presence and make your desires mine. I ask you now for victory over my sins and deliverance from my addictions. I trust you God to make me a reflection of your light.

Tonight I listened to a song for the first time by Casting Crown called”Praise You in This Storm”. It spoke so much to my heart and with how I feel. I love when God brings something as simple as a song to touch a broken spirit. I see hope these days, although not clearly but I will even take a foggy hope as long as it is hope. I know that my God will never leave me or forsake me. I fear myself more these days as my weakness is sometimes more prevalent than my desire to follow God. But it is my desire to follow God that I want to be real in my life, now, just to be able to plan a strategy to do so. The Lyrics ”Praise You in This Storm” are at http://www.recoverysa.org/praise_you_in_this_storm.htm I hope you find comfort in it like I do.

This has been some what of a rough week for me. Some of the supports that I have established in my life are on vacation. So, I started off the week trying to be positive and on a spiritual high but I soon quickly dropped into a downward spiral. But God is good and provided for me at each difficult situation I faced. However, I am proud of myself because I made it without any slipups, addiction wise. Although tempted at different times by things that really seem to get to me; I was able to make it through, maybe not so eloquently but I made it and that is what counts! I have learned this week that everyone God has brought into my life right now are very precious and important to who I am to become. God has perfectly placed me where I am right now in spite of myself and has given me great supports that I need to learn to lean on and trust more. I must put pride aside to move forward but most of all I need to stop sabotaging myself. I sabotage myself by not calling these people wh...

Today my mind has been going in fast motion with a lot of thoughts. One thought I keep thinking back to is something that happened this past week in my SA group. I can’t tell the whole story because I don’t want to break the trust of someone from the group. However, their story really got to me. As he told of a resent event that took placed with him, I found myself with very mixed emotions. I was very disgusted at what he did; I am not judging him as I know my own story would disgust others as well. Yet I sat mesmerized at his story thinking wow, I can’t believe he is sharing this stuff but at the same time I am glad he did because that must have been incredibly hard to do as well as to hold in. I looked at him and thought “Thank you God for saving me from all of that”, I guess for the first time I realized how bad things really could have gone for me had I not stopped the things I was involved with. I felt bad sitting there thinking this of myself because I want to be compassio...

This morning I got an email from a friend who was struggling with some issues. My heart went out to her as I could almost feel her pain. As I wrote her a reply and was trying to comfort her i found myself listening to my own words. God works in mysterious was! I was speaking more to myself than I was to her. I have a desire to serve and grow back in my relationship with Christ and I have always felt defeated. But I know that the best way to forget my pain is to feel someone elses and that may be why God has brought our friendship back together afer 20 years. I battle with depression and regrets but I know God is not done with me. I need to also trust the people God has put in my life to help me. So today, realizing this, what a great day!

Last night and today I struggled not with pornography but with the results of what pornography did to me. Depression is so great in my life right now along with shame and guilt. I am working hard through my sponsor, counselors, and Pastor to move forward from this state I am in. It is so hard for me to rely on others for help. I have always been the person people went to for help not the one needing the help. I have to come to the realization that I can not stand on my own right now. I need these people and am grateful for them, without them I would have surely taken my own life. My head knows that God loves me and has forgiven me; I also know that He wants for me to reach out to Him for comfort and I am honestly trying too. I never thought I would not know how to reach out to God. I was a minister who taught others how to find God and seek comfort from Him. Comfort; that’s a word I would so much like to experience tonight. I feel all alone! I long so much to be loved and forgiven. I t...

I am new to blogging but I thought that maybe writing my thoughts would help me get through where I am. I lost everything this year, my wife, my house, my car, my friends etc... I am now living in my parents house at the age of 40 trying to pull the peaces back together. I am attending SA Sexaholics Anonymous and have recently gotten a sponsor. I have a new job that is making half of what I did last year and no way to pay all the bills that I owe nor the ability to pay the court issued child support they are asking for from when I had the better paying job. So, yes, Life sucks for me right now. Although these terrible things have happened I have to also be thankfully for the good things. I do have a place to stay, I have a great counselor who is open and honest about my addiction, a pastor who has become my friend and is showing me a whole new God, two great friends from high school who encourage me every day and a Sponsor who know where I have been and has first hand knowledge at help...