One day...

Last night and today I struggled not with pornography but with the results of what pornography did to me.

Depression is so great in my life right now along with shame and guilt. I am working hard through my sponsor, counselors, and Pastor to move forward from this state I am in. It is so hard for me to rely on others for help. I have always been the person people went to for help not the one needing the help. I have to come to the realization that I can not stand on my own right now. I need these people and am grateful for them, without them I would have surely taken my own life.

My head knows that God loves me and has forgiven me; I also know that He wants for me to reach out to Him for comfort and I am honestly trying too. I never thought I would not know how to reach out to God. I was a minister who taught others how to find God and seek comfort from Him. Comfort; that’s a word I would so much like to experience tonight. I feel all alone! I long so much to be loved and forgiven.

I talked with my wife yesterday to get some information needed to get my taxes, and it was an ok conversation but to hear her voice breaks my heart. Every time I talk to her I no longer hear my wife but rather more and more the voice of the woman I let down tremendously.

I long for the day when I no longer battle within myself but am able to see the things that those who are giving me guidance say they see inside of me. To really know that what I am going through and feeling right now will pass and that I can and will have a future, that is hard to comprehend. But one day…

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