Positively, One Of Those Days!
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time, I guess God knew how my day was going to go and thought I would need a good night rest. I went to see one of my therapists today, this therapist and I deal with the very physical aspect of my sexual addiction. It’s always hard to open up about that area of my life, it drudges up a lot of negative feelings even if the discuss is positive in context. I guess it is the shame and guilt I feel pouring out of me when I share things in that regards. After we talked he came up with a good observation that I have a lot more times on my hands than I use to and that maybe filling that void with something would help me with some of my struggles (like fishing or bowling); I agree with that statement but I also have a conflict with it too. I don’t deserve to do something enjoyable, especially if I could use that time to work and make more money for child support. Mmmmm, The flaw to that analogy is that I mentally can not take the stress of another job, at least not at this time in my life. So, here comes the guilt again. It is just a vicious cycle. Well, I left his office battling about this in my mind and decided to pick up my medicine at the pharmacy. Up until now I was getting my medicine for free but now that I have insurance and a full time job I will be paying for it myself (sounds fair to me). The total bill for the medicine was $505.18! I CAN’T AFORD EVEN A THIRD OF THAT!!! It is so important for me to be on this medicine, I went off it for a week because of finances never dreaming it would cost this much. Well, now I found myself obsessing about this and who wouldn’t? That is a lot of money.
Just yesterday our Pastor had a great message about Hannah and he talked about what God wants to give us and how he will provide for us and then my devotion today was about control and giving God more control in my life. Well God!!! Take control now because this is way too much for me to handle and I have no control over it.
I carry this gut-wrenching hollow feeling inside of me all the time, like when you just heard some bad news that is so unbearable to hear that your gut feels like it is being turned inside out. I hate that feeling and I have no idea why it is constantly there in me. I do not want to be one of those people who can not move forward because they are still hanging on to the past; however, that is what I am doing. It is so hard to let go of the guilt and shame, at times I think I have made such project and that I have let go, just to turn around and find out that I am still hanging onto those things.
I then went to meet with my Sponsor from SA before our group started and we went over the first steps. It was then that he had told me that the guy I spoke about last week in my blog “If the band breaks, will I?” from July 13th was arrested. My heart went out to him. As we read through the steps tonight I was overly convicted to take that next step in my recovery and tell my deepest darkest shameful acts that I have been holding back from the group but had only shared with very few people. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like I had swallowed my heart, my stomach very upset but as I told them my story I could feel the shame lifting from me. I am still overwhelmed that I actually shared this with them but as the night goes by I know it was a safe place to share and they received what I said with no judgments. I know God is working in my life, tonight just helped to know that I was doing what I should be doing.
My pastor gave me a poem that says it all for me; Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand (a friend) will take and sift them, Keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.- I thank God for SA meetings to go to and for a loving church, with out them I may never of known recovery!
Just yesterday our Pastor had a great message about Hannah and he talked about what God wants to give us and how he will provide for us and then my devotion today was about control and giving God more control in my life. Well God!!! Take control now because this is way too much for me to handle and I have no control over it.
I carry this gut-wrenching hollow feeling inside of me all the time, like when you just heard some bad news that is so unbearable to hear that your gut feels like it is being turned inside out. I hate that feeling and I have no idea why it is constantly there in me. I do not want to be one of those people who can not move forward because they are still hanging on to the past; however, that is what I am doing. It is so hard to let go of the guilt and shame, at times I think I have made such project and that I have let go, just to turn around and find out that I am still hanging onto those things.
I then went to meet with my Sponsor from SA before our group started and we went over the first steps. It was then that he had told me that the guy I spoke about last week in my blog “If the band breaks, will I?” from July 13th was arrested. My heart went out to him. As we read through the steps tonight I was overly convicted to take that next step in my recovery and tell my deepest darkest shameful acts that I have been holding back from the group but had only shared with very few people. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like I had swallowed my heart, my stomach very upset but as I told them my story I could feel the shame lifting from me. I am still overwhelmed that I actually shared this with them but as the night goes by I know it was a safe place to share and they received what I said with no judgments. I know God is working in my life, tonight just helped to know that I was doing what I should be doing.
My pastor gave me a poem that says it all for me; Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand (a friend) will take and sift them, Keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.- I thank God for SA meetings to go to and for a loving church, with out them I may never of known recovery!
Comments
Dude, but you can only do so much, that is for sure. I think your counselor has given you some wise counsle about filling your free time with a hobby.
Be encouraged. God is love and you're loved.