If the band breaks, will I?
Today my mind has been going in fast motion with a lot of thoughts. One thought I keep thinking back to is something that happened this past week in my SA group. I can’t tell the whole story because I don’t want to break the trust of someone from the group. However, their story really got to me. As he told of a resent event that took placed with him, I found myself with very mixed emotions. I was very disgusted at what he did; I am not judging him as I know my own story would disgust others as well. Yet I sat mesmerized at his story thinking wow, I can’t believe he is sharing this stuff but at the same time I am glad he did because that must have been incredibly hard to do as well as to hold in.
I looked at him and thought “Thank you God for saving me from all of that”, I guess for the first time I realized how bad things really could have gone for me had I not stopped the things I was involved with. I felt bad sitting there thinking this of myself because I want to be compassionate to others because by the grace of God his story could very well be mine. This guy is struggling really hard and from what I could grasp, my fears are he is not got a hold of his addiction and his future does not look good unless he does.
When he finished his story I know I must have been sitting there with my mouth wide open. I thought (in my life time) I had heard everything, I was wrong! I wandered if this man knows how tremendous his testimony could be for God if he could find victory from it. Then I thought about how strong my testimony could be but I don’t want to share my story with others because I am so ashamed of what I have done, maybe in time but not right now. I can’t see that happening.
God is really working in my life if I will only let him. The hardest thing I have to do is to let go and let God. He has placed people in my life that are important for my recovery yet I am scared to trust them at times. My faith is really being tested! My depression is so overwhelming at times. But I want to move forward. I feel like I have a huge rubber band around my waist that is connected to the bridge from my past that I have stretched as far as I can without it breaking. Do I move forward and let the band break or do I stop and wait for it to natural stretch itself out with a little more time? I am afraid if the band breaks, so will I and then what?
I looked at him and thought “Thank you God for saving me from all of that”, I guess for the first time I realized how bad things really could have gone for me had I not stopped the things I was involved with. I felt bad sitting there thinking this of myself because I want to be compassionate to others because by the grace of God his story could very well be mine. This guy is struggling really hard and from what I could grasp, my fears are he is not got a hold of his addiction and his future does not look good unless he does.
When he finished his story I know I must have been sitting there with my mouth wide open. I thought (in my life time) I had heard everything, I was wrong! I wandered if this man knows how tremendous his testimony could be for God if he could find victory from it. Then I thought about how strong my testimony could be but I don’t want to share my story with others because I am so ashamed of what I have done, maybe in time but not right now. I can’t see that happening.
God is really working in my life if I will only let him. The hardest thing I have to do is to let go and let God. He has placed people in my life that are important for my recovery yet I am scared to trust them at times. My faith is really being tested! My depression is so overwhelming at times. But I want to move forward. I feel like I have a huge rubber band around my waist that is connected to the bridge from my past that I have stretched as far as I can without it breaking. Do I move forward and let the band break or do I stop and wait for it to natural stretch itself out with a little more time? I am afraid if the band breaks, so will I and then what?
Comments
For the longest time, I would seek every excuse for not telling anyone because I couldn't bare the weight of shame. But the shame is here reguardless if it is made known.
If you confess this to others with a hatred of the things you have done, you will stand to lose a few superficial friends who are embarrassed from sin of their own, but you will gain trust from others. You can grow together and you will find yourself discouraged from sinning.
But you know that God forgives so there is no shame needed. Jesus would not die so that you can dwell on your sin. Like the prodigal son in Luke 15, your father no longer concerned with your sin and wastefulness but instead just excited to see you back!
My prayers go out to you! Tell people!